Bangkok Trip Part 4

Youris and I got off the boat.

We were, (quite literally), "Fresh off the boat!"

HAR HAR. HAR HAR HAR. HAR HAR. HAR. har. har. har. ahem.

We were eager to get going to the temple, so neither of us really paid much attention to the market area. There were all these vendors seated behind their low-slung tables covered with souvenirs. Meanwhile, one of the cool things about this area, was that you would see these monks-in-training, some of whom were very young, in saffron robes. The orange color is startling. I don't know what it is, but I've always liked that color. It's authoratative and powerful somehow.

We emerged from the market area and found ourselves on a wide and busy street. It was hot again, but we were getting used to it. At the risk of repeating myself: DO NOT come to Thailand in April and May if you are sensitive to heat and humidity. You will melt like a stick of butter, and a well-meaning Thai person will spread you on a piece of toast and eat you right in front of a monestary or silk shop, and burp you out in gaseous form. True story.

Across the street, we saw a seemingly endless white wall interrupted only by a gigantic wooden door with armed guards in front of it. The white wall was about 20 feet high and bordered the entire, huge city block that defined it's outer perimeter.

Youris and I approached the serious looking guards.

"Is this the entrance for Wat Pho temple?" I asked one of them, softly, not wanting to disturb his concentration too much.

"No. You go down there," he said politely pointing down the wall a bit.

"Thanks," I replied.

We found the main entrance that the guard had indicated precisely two sentences earlier when he said, "No. You go down there." We walked with a throng of other tourists and Thai people past the entry gate.

There were guards positioned every 20 feet or so along the main pathway. Mostly they ignored everyone, occasionally barking something unintelligible to one another.

Here's where things started to get interesting...

One of the guards began staring at Youris' shorts. Damn! I knew that was going to cause problems when we were back at the hotel, but I forgot to say something about it. The temples have a very strict dress code and it was well documented in the Lonely Planet guide. The guard put his hand up in front of us as we got closer.

"You cannot go in the temple with those shorts," the guard said to Youris.

Just at that moment, I noticed a station behind the guard that read, "Temporary clothing available for tourists, here."

"Can he change into a pair of long pants in the station behind you?" I asked, pointing to the sign.

"No. It is too late to go into the temple, anyway. You must go," the guard said seriously.

"OK. We're just going to look at the outside, and then we'll go," I replied.

I motioned with my eyes to Youris to keep walking. I vaguely remembered something like this from the Lonely Planet...something about guards being difficult with tourists and telling them the temple was closed when it really wasn't. Besides, all kinds of people were walking right INTO the temple as the guard was imparting this "offical" information. You couldn't much blame the guard. Every tourist guide about Thailand, ever written in the history of mankind, is very clear about formal attire in and around the temples. It's pretty rude to ignore such a simple and well-known custom. It's probably akin to walking into a Catholic church in the States, drinking a Bud Light and slapping a nun on her bottom for good measure. It's just all wrong. Wait....Yeah, it's just all wrong.

Thus, in a way, it is Youris that I have to thank for the interesting events that would follow. He was really kind of an oaf, in retrospect. But he was likable, nonetheless.

I started walking rathar briskly so Youris was forced to catch up with me. We almost made it to the inside of the temple. It looked grand, impressive. I craned my neck up to observe the soaring columns and elaborite stone carvings of Thailand's most famous temple. I looked back down and noticed a veritable mountain of flip flops left at the entrance steps indicating a considerable amount of people inside.

I was thinking, maybe they'll give us a pass on the shorts. I'm sure it happens all the time. But no such luck.

Another guard who had been facing away from us, suddenly turned toward Youris and immediately started a fuss about the shorts. Plus, he added: the temple is closed anyway. Several more people walked into the temple while he was saying this, of course, which I didn't even bother to point out.

When a guy with a gun doesn't want you to enter a building, your best choice is to listen, I figured.

Damn it! Something was nagging me in the back of my mind. I couldn't quite remember what it was. I'd read something about this in the Lonely Planet. There was something familiar about this whole scenario. But then, I'm a paranoid person to begin with, so I tried to think positive and forget about it.

Youris looked at me with this "what a messed up situation this is" look which was ridiculous because it was his bloody fault we couldn't get in. I was so annoyed with him that my mind was using British adjectives.

"Let's go," I said.

I could have sworn I saw the guard smile at this. It was a very odd smile. Or perhaps I imagined it.

We walked back out, past the blinding white wall; the strong sun was really reflecting off of it, now. For a second, it seemed more like I was in the Middle East than Thailand. We were back out on the street corner, surveying our options. We picked a direction and made our way thru a mess of 2, 3, and 4-wheeled vehicles swarming around us like bees.

After we crossed the street, a woman immediately started hounding us to buy these paintings that she was carrying in a basket. They were watercolor on parchment, and they weren't bad, actually. Neither of us wanted to carry those things around all day, though. She kept trying, in broken English, to get us to buy. It was something like 5 dollars per painting. We just kept walking and she eventually gave up and started working on someone else.

A lot of the Thai people are naturally great in sales. The word "No" and the phrase "Leave me alone" doesn't do much to injure their spirit. Partially, this is because your threshold of pain is higher when you haven't the money to eat. This much even I know.

We kept walking a bit.

We saw a building that looked like a temple. Not anywhere near the grandeur of Wat Pho, but still pretty cool. Little did we know we were walking into the most elaborate trap I had ever heard of. We were two flies headed straight into a meticulously crafted web.

Youris and I strolled thru the opening in the outer wall to examine the inside. No one was around, but there were many Buddha statues lined up against the otherwise unadorned walls. There was a large picnic table in the center of the interior courtyard. There was also another building in the courtyard behind the picnic table. But, just then, we heard a food vendor outside the wall announcing some goodies to eat.

Youris and I looked at each other and realized we were hungry. But not for food.

[Cue: Gay Porn Music.]

Bow chica chica bow wow chica chica wow wow, chica chica...

Just kidding....

We walked outside to see a little portible food cart that smelled delicious, but it didn't look too sanitary. We also saw a young Thai guy, with (presumably) his girlfriend heading up the walkway toward us. They approached us with big smiles.

"Hello!" the Thai guy said with enthusiasm. The girl said nothing.

"Hi!" Youris and I replied.

"Where are you guys from?" he inquired in well-accented English.

I examined him closely before replying. He was about 20 years old. He was sporting a stylish haircut and nice clothes. He looked like he would fit right in, on Melrose Ave. back home. His girlfriend was pretty much the same, only she was demur, which he clearly was not. She was pretty with long black hair and added some element of sincerity to the guy's words. It achieved the desired result of taking suspicion completely out of the equation. Very clever. Of course, that wasn't a thing we could know consciously...it was just one of those important details that con artists put into the picture.

Also, it was nice to have someone to talk to other than each other for a change.

"I'm from California and Youris, here, is from Amsterdam," I said.

"Where in California?" he asked, again with the flawless English, and the girlfriend just smiling and holding onto his arm lovingly.

"Hollywood!" I boasted.

"Oh COOL!" he exclaimed, "I want to go someday!", he beemed with a bright smile.

"It's a trip, alright. Listen, we tried to go to Wat Pho, but they claimed it was closed...but we saw people walking into the temple."

"Yeah. It seemed really unfair," Youris added . I slapped Youris with a white glove that instantly appeared for short story purposes and then vanished in a puff of smoke while he was still rubbing his cheek from the sting.

"You can't wear shorts to the temple. They take it as an insult. This happens all the time. It's OK, you can go back there tomorrow. But it's better...I have much better places to recommend you to see, anyway. Everyone goes to Wat Pho. But they never see the REAL temples. Stuff that tourists never get to see."

The girlfriend seemed to be paying close attention to our reactions, now. She wanted to know how cool we thought this 'backchannel' temple stuff was. She seemed curious all of the sudden.

"Well, that sounds cool," I said, "We'd certainly like to see something since we're already over here."

"My name is Jay," our new Thai friend said, extending his hand.

"I'm Daniel, and this is my new travel buddy Youris".

"Very nice to meet you guys. Been in Thailand long?" he asked, and it was so downplayed that it was almost as if he didn't care about the answer.

"Just a few days," I said stupidly.

The girls eyes widened slightly at this new information. But she must have suspected it already because nobody goes to the most famous temple in Thailand with shorts on if they've been here for a while.

"How did you guys hear about this place? Do you know someone here?" Jay asked, indicating the temple next to us, with his thumb.

"No, we just stumbled across it."

"This place is a monestary. My brother is a monk here. He's been studying here for 2 years," Jay informed us proudly.

"Oh, wow," I said, slightly impressed.

"Hey, did you guys watch TV last night?" Jay asked. It was a completely random question melted seemlessly into the conversation by his warm enthusiasm.

"No, we didn't," I answered, and Youris looked at me as if to say "do we look that rich to you. A hotel with a TV in it?"

"Oh. There was huge government sale announced on all the TV channels last night. Armani is opening up a factory and new stores in Thailand, and there is a huge sale going on today for Armani suits and shirts. Very exciting for Thai people. Usually Armani is way too expensive! You guys need suits?"

"No, not really," Youris said. "How much are the suits going for just out of curiosity?"

"Well, how much would a normal Armani suit be in America? Maybe like 800 dollars or more?, (we both nodded), you can get them in Thailand, today, for 200 dollars US! And here's the best part, you can become a member of the Armani store, and get suits for LIFE at this price. It is a very special goverment offer!"

Youris seemed very interested in this whole Armani sale thing. The guy who I had to pay for all his cab rides because he was so cheap was starting to seriously consider buying an Armani suit in Thailand. This is often how it goes with people like this. Penny wise, Pound foolish. A part of me had to admit, though, it did sound like an intriguing offer. There was not one shred of suspicion about this guy's ridiculous concoction of a story in my head. I don't know what it was. He was so smooth. His girlfriend seemed so nice. He was nice. And he was just a kid. He just didn't seem like a 2 bit huckster (or in this case 200 bit). But it was a fortunate combination of events that had him taking us in.

1. Youris and I were a pair. I think you are much more likely to suspect someone's bullshit if you are approached while alone.

2. He had his cute girlfriend with him.

3. It was hotter than freakin' hell.

4. Youris was more interested than I. I had no desire to spend 200 bucks on ANYTHING at the moment, no matter how good the deal was. But his piqued interest was about to turn the rudder on our little journey

5. The guy's brother was a monk, after all. What could be more trustworthy than that? Or was he?

"Hey, you guys want a water or something? I'll get the cheap Thai person price!" Jay offered, looking over at the vendor stand.

"Sure. Thanks," we both said.

"No problem."

He went up to the stand and purchased 2 waters, not even getting one for himself. He was the nicest guy in the world.

"So, look: I will write down the best places to go and I will also write down the name of the Armani store and you guys can go check it out for yourselves. Get the deal of a lifetime! But also, you will see the REAL temples, not all this tourist stuff. Can I write it down on something?" he asked me, noticing my backpack.

"Yeah, sure," I said getting my pen and notebook out.

The part where he got me was seeing the REAL temples. I love stuff like that. I want to see the places no one knows about. The kind of places you haven't already seen in pictures a dozen times. I was an "off the beaten path" kind of guy. I watched him write the temples down thinking this day was getting better, already. Who cares about Wat Pho, anyway? You could probably see the place online for God's sake, with a virtual Quicktime tour. I wanted to see something outside the guide book!

While Jay was writing down the last of the information, his girlfriend was smiling with pride. Jay could even WRITE in English. He was really something.

A tuk-tuk pulled up right near us. Jay noticed this and called over to him. "Hey. Hey. Mister. Come over here," he said to the tuk tuk driver.

The guy came over and eyed me and Youris quite noticeably.

Jay was talking to him about our destinations, in Thai, and the tuk tuk driver was still looking at us; he wasn't even looking at Jay. What was he thinking, I wondered.

"Well, I hope you guys have a great time in Thailand. It was very cool to meet you. I hope you enjoy the temples I picked out for you. Remember, not many tourists get to see them. Also, one more thing. See how that Tuk Tuk has yellow license plates? ONLY take the tuk tuks with yellow license plates. The ones with white license plates are trouble. Just take my word for it," Jay said.

"Wow. Thanks for the info. We really appreciate it," said Youris.

"See ya around," said Jay.

"Awesome to meet you Jay. Take care," I said. And with that, Youris and I headed to the tuk tuk.

I had not yet been in one of these, yet, and I was really looking forward to it. You were blasted with smog from every direction when you were in one of these things, but they did look fun! We got in, and so did the driver. He looked back at my piece of paper, with the 3 temples on it, to refresh his memory and we were off.

"That was a really nice tip about the license plates, wasn't it?" Youris asked me.

"Yeah, that was super cool. That's the kind of stuff that's hard to find in a guide book. What a nice guy!"

We raced thru the streets and I was snapping pictures like a mad man. That's one of the cool things about the tuk tuk. You can take unobstructed pictures of all that you see.

We got on roads that were less populated and I went into a daydream of some sort. Youris was doing the same. I bet he was still thinking about that damn suit. I had completely forgotten about the suit already. We pulled up to a small temple and took it all in. The rooms inside the temple were filled with all kinds of gifts bestowed to the Buddha towering over them. There was a monk inside praying and reading. He did not even look up at me and Youris, he was concentrating so hard.

We explored all around the place. It was pretty cool. Nothing edifying, but it was worthwhile.

We got in the tuk tuk and went to the next place.

It was a 40 foot high golden statue of, surprise, the Buddha. Kids and dogs were playing in front of it. Tourists (somehow they found this obscure place!) were taking pictures but it was a very bad time of day for it. The sun was right behind the Buddha's golden head.

We moved on quickly from this place. It was pretty boring.

The next temple was larger. We parked the tuk tuk in the parking lot. It had 3 separate temples on the grounds. It was more ornate, impressive.

Again, in the last room was a monk who was praying and reading. Again, he did not notice us whatsoever.

We spent quite a bit of time at this particular set of temples. On the one hand it seemed really "Disneylandish", somehow not authentic, and on the other hand it was intriguing because there was so much attention to detail.

We got back to the parking lot and saw the tuk tuk, but the driver was not there. There was a cab parked next to it, and the cabbie was leaning on the passenger side door and reading the newspaper.

Youris and I approached our tuk tuk and started scanning the lot for our driver.

The cabbie decided to make conversation with us.

"Hey. Where are you guys from?" he asked pleasantly to start things going.

He told us that he was originally from London, and that he had been on a track to become a lawyer over there when something happened to his father who was staying in Thailand at the time. He had come over here to take care of him and just fell in love with Thailand. He also said that the last monk we had seen praying in the last room was the brother of our tuk tuk driver. He'd found this out by chatting with our driver earlier.

"Is everyone's brother a monk over here?" Youris joked.

"Pretty much," the cabbie admitted. "Say, did you guys hear about that government Armani sale on TV?"

I had forgotten about that. Maybe Youris had, too.

"Yeah. We did hear about that," Youris said, "so what's the deal with it?"

"Well it's the deal of a lifetime if you need a suit. Of course, I never need one driving a cab, but I wish I would have known about this when I was living back in London! I would have flown over here and bought 3 or 4 suits and flown back! It's incredible to get an Armani suit for 200 dollars!"

"Wow. It's really that cheap, huh?" I asked. Even my mouth was starting to water about this whole suit thing.

Youris looked at me.

"Maybe we should check it out, eh, what do you think?"

"Sure," I said. "It can't hurt to look."

As if on cue, the tuk tuk driver appeared out of nowhere and got into the driver's seat. We wished the cabbie a fond farewell, and we were on our way to the tailor's shop.

It took about 15 minutes of driving (if you could call it that), but we made it in one piece to a storefront that read "Voglee's Fashions." No signs, no nothing indicating a "government sale" whatever the hell that meant. But I didn't even notice that at the time.

We walked in there. It was nice and cool. A very smart looking shop. There were racks of fine-looking suits lining all the walls. A group of employees were sitting at a table near the dressing rooms just chatting away like old maids. One of them stood up, and put on his salesman face, and walked toward us.

"How can I help you gentleman? Are you here about the Armani sale?"

Youris visibly perked up at this. There WAS a sale after all, and he was about to be the proud owner of an ARMANI SUIT!

"Yes we are!" exclaimed Youris like a little, excited school girl clapping her tiny hands and jumping up and down. I smiled at this. It was looking pretty legit after all. I mean, this wasn't some hole in the wall. It was a really nice shop, and all the salespeople were well dressed.

"Come. Please follow me, gentleman," said the salesman as he led the way up to the second floor of the establishment.

It was ringed with mirrors fully around the perimeter of the floor. There were racks and racks of cloth everywhere. Fine silk in different stylish patterns. It was like a GQ readers wet dream! Youris got down to business in asking about the price. It turned out the price was closer to 475 US dollars, but that was still pretty darn cheap.

This did give Youris pause, however. He was much more excited when he thought it was going to be $200, obviously.

The salesman was tall, with some girth to him as well. He had short, neat hair, and a well-trimmed mustache. His accent revealed that he had spent some time in London just like our friend the cabbie, back at the temple. He was confident, well-mannered and seemed trustworthy. Still...I didn't quite trust him at first. I just watched his interactions with Youris and tried not to talk much.

The three of us went into a large fitting room filled with fabric. Someone fetched us a couple of beers and we sat down on the couch. On the coffee table in front of us were 3 Armani suit brochures so that clients could pick the style that they liked best.

The salesman and the appearance of the store were so friendly and official that it sort of countermanded my instinct at seeing the brochures. As I looked thru them, they didn't quite SEEM authentic. I couldn't put my finger on what it was about the brochures, but something wasn't right.

"So how long does it take to make the suits?" I asked the salesman.

"About 3 weeks."

"Then how are we going to get them?"

"We will mail them to your home. We do it all the time."

"Wait. Let me get this straight. We will give you 475 US dollars, which is a small forture in Thailand, to mail us something that we may never see on the promise that it will arrive and further more that it will be an ARMANI? No offense sir, you seem like a nice guy, but DO YOU THINK I'M MAD?!"

"Yes, I can see your point, sir. But as you can tell, this is a large and reputable shop in the middle of the city. How long do you think we could stay in business if we did not consistently deliver our products as promised. It is not worth cheating people, if it will incur a bad reputation upon our store. You see what I mean?"

"Well, yes, but..."

"In addition, if you don't trust that the materials will arrive overseas, why not pick them up here in the shop? Then you can make sure everything fits perfectly, and we have honored our agreement in every respect."

"Hmmm...well I'm not going to be in Thailand that long." (I didn't know then, that I would end up extended my trip by 2 weeks)

"Well, what about you, sir," he asked Youris, "will you be spending more time in Thailand such that you can pick up your suit?"

"Yes I will, actually," Youris answered in the little school girl voice again. I slapped him again with the instantly appearing white glove. The salesman didn't even notice. Youris rubbed his cheek again wondering where in the devil that white glove kept coming from.

"Well, your friend, at least, can pick up his suit in person, so he's all set. As for you, sir, this company has no intention of ever letting down its customers. Again, we wouldn't be around very long if we took money from people and didn't deliver their items as promised. Word would get around. We've been around for twenty years, and we intend to be around for many more. But I do understand your concern. Though it is the most inexpensive deal you will ever find on an Armani suit, 450 dollars is not a negligable amount of money. It warrants careful consideration. Perhaps we will just start by measuring your friend Youris, and then we'll see what you think."

Je-z-us this guy was good. My mouth was on the hook and he was reeling me in but good. I could FEEL that it was the wrong decision to fall for it. I could FEEL that I didn't want to spend 500 bucks that I didn't really have to spare, but did I really want to miss out on the deal of a lifetime? What made this all so insidiously funny is that just before leaving for Thailand, I realized that I needed a suit for a good friend's wedding. I didn't have ANY kind of suit for the wedding. What was I going to do about that? Thus, the only expensive item that I needed in the world, at the moment, was a suit. A pure coincidence. A Banana Republic suit, untailored, would be about 600 bucks, and that ain't no Armani.

On the other hand, all I had was these guys WORD that it was an Armani. For that matter I might never SEE ANYTHING AT ALL.

But he was so convincing. He was so confident. He made it seem like it would be BENEATH them to default on their word. It really wouldn't be worth it to them to cheat a customer. Why would they do that and tarnish their good name? It was incredible how smooth and polished these guys were.

Here I was considering dropping 500 dollars, IN THAILAND, on something I might never see. Did I not pay attention to ANYTHING that the Lonely Planet had to impart about this kind of stuff??! It was as it I had never even read it!

Long story, short: Youris and I both ended up buying a suit. In fact, I think Youris was about an inch away from buying TWO suits to get 100 bucks off the total price. But he showed some restraint, thank god.

We got out of there with our credit card receipts and the promise that my Armani suit would be mailed to me. He threw in a white Armani shirt for me, because I started to back out at the last minute. He can throw in all he wants if it's imaginary, I thought to myself as I was leaving.

We got into the tuk tuk. The driver had been waiting.

He took me and Youris back to the pier.

Youris and I looked at each other. What the hell had happened? How did we just get separated from 1000 dollars. Me, who is suspicious of absolutely everything, and Youris who refused to take cabs when the driver would charge ONE U.S. DOLLAR OVER THE NORMAL PRICE. I had covered the extra dollar on the last 3 cab rides, because, you know, it's 3 freakin' dollars--who cares!

"I wonder if we made a mistake," Youris said in kind of a trance.

I spied a really stylish looking Thai guy in front of us.

"Excuse me," I said coming up along side him, "do you know about the government Armani sale advertised on TV last night?"

He looked at me like I was an alien.

"No. I haven't heard of anything like that."

I looked back at Youris. Oh oh. This guy looked pretty stylish. I felt certain he owned a TV and probably watched it. He hadn't seen anything about it.

I suddenly got a really sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

We were screwed.

And we deserved to be. I became absolutely certain we had just tossed 1000 bucks in the fireplace.

"OK. We have to do some damage control, here. Let's just make sure it doesn't get any worse. Let's cancel the credit cards as soon as we get back to the hotel."