Email from CAA, presumably talent agent.

I received the following email from "X" at CAA Talent Agency based in Los Angeles:

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To the Machine,

I enjoy reading your blog however I am curious, is there an end goal in mind?, is it purely for the enjoyment of it? Whatever it is, keep it up. I know a few others in the office that enjoy reading it. I figured a few encouraging words never hurt.

Best Regards,

"X"
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First of all, let me say straight off that a nice email from an agent at CAA is dangerously close to ending this unstable and expansive thing we like to call a universe. Please don’t do anything like that again. I’m trying to flip a one bedroom condo in Santa Monica and I do not want the world ending before I’ve pocketed my 70 grand.

But damn white of you to say, X! Cheers to you and your office buddies with a Motorola Razr in each hand. I've been in those duck and cover trenches--(Swimming with Sharks is no joke—you WILL get hit in the forehead with a phone at some point)--and it requires the thickest skin around. Enormous African Rhinos would get their feelings (and foreheads) bruised in that office. Furthermore, they would have difficulty using the annoying numeric keypad on the Razr, so rolling calls from the car, on the way to Fred Segal, is definitely out. They would also go through Aeron chairs like nobody's business.

Answer to your question: I would really like to write for a magazine in some capacity--preferably travel related. So, I try to keep in regular practice. That's the first reason.

The second reason is that writing is a compulsive habit with me, as it is for many of my fellow bloggers in the brain-fart-o-sphere.

The third reason is that I love to entertain, but I'm a fair to middling tap dancer, at best.

In regards to the growing number of other recent emails regarding your dog Fluffy, or "dude, where is Whitley Heights, exactly?" I have the following excellent advice:

1. Do not write me about your dog Fluffy. I hate dogs. And I hate people, too, except for the ones that work at 3 letter agencies (such as CAA) in the literary division and have several magazine editors on speed dial. I do, however, like marmosets. I think it's mainly that I like the word “marmoset”. It's pleasurable to say, and it will get you hot and bothered. Try it a couple of times. See what I mean? I also like Gibbons. They are fu**ing badass, and they are cooler looking than regular monkeys.

2. Whitley Heights information is available here and a quick Google search will provide information on everything you need to know including the whereabouts of your previous "better half".

That is all. I would say "Seacrest, out", but that is too gay to do, even as a joke. You could be found with your member in between another man's lower cheeks, and it wouldn't be as gay as saying "Seacrest, out".